Questions.?.

I often ask God, why, why don't you grant me at least somethings I want?

why don't you let me design my own life and lead myself to my destiny?

why am I so unsure about how will my tomorrow mould out?

And today, I think I've found answers to these questions.

May be because I really don't know what I want out of my life, and what I want to make out of it!

I am not even too sure of everything I've desired of.. from the college I wished to study in, to the people in my life.

One never gets an ounce more than ones rights or what one deserves. Everything gets balanced out accurately. Everything is so meaning full and simple.

Yet our thoughts and our will to have a clear idea of every scenario makes the situation like a maze, coming across to be impossible!

Now the new question is,should I let go... to hold back something better?

Or should I grip harder so that nobody can snatch anything from me?

I know.... or, i don't?

I question myself, day in and day out.
Why do I do everything I prohibit myself from doing?
Why do I set rules, that I know I will break someday?
Why do I draw limits? Though I know I will cross the line, to see whats there on the other side.
Why do I pull myself back? When I intend to throw myself with double the momentum.
Is it because, I want to test myself with how far can I go without losing grip of everything I've held on for so long?
How far will I mislead me?
Is there an answer to my question, here, where I stand today, or, should I jump across my L.O.C. to know whats the best for me?

Sometimes, even photographs don't have memories.

     Photographs have been a muse for millions of people for centuries now! Some photos have a story behind their existence, while some others don't have a reason, or the reasons may have perished in course of time!
     Like how certain things gave you absolute pleasure, and the perfect reason to laugh your heart out.. those reasons fall short for the same reaction, as you grow!
     Like after a certain age, you make friends no more.. you just meet acquaintances.
     Like certain stories kept you awake for hours together.. those become the reason for you to fall asleep!
     The same way, certain memories are great for a while, but gradually they fade! Not that they weren't important, they just weren't important enough... to stay for longer!
     Each photograph has a memory.... a meaning to it, yet, some just fail to reflect it back!

 Dedicated to Parineeta Poonja!
    
    

GLASS

I FEEL LIKE GLASS TODAY..
FEEBLE, UNABLE TO UPHOLD, MY STRENGTH AND SHOW IT TO THE WORLD..
I FEEL HELPLESS.. LIKE ANYONE CAN CRUSH ME AND CARE NONE ABOUT MY AGONY.
I FEEL LIKE GLASS TODAY...
BIGGER THAN THE BIGGEST.. CLEAN AND TRANSPARENT.. YET BRITTLE.
MAKE ME UNBREAKABLE..
BUT YOUR MEAN FIRE CAN DEVASTATE ME.
I FEEL, LIKE GLASS TODAY..
NOBODY TO HEAR ME,
I FEEL LIKE GLASS TODAY...
NOBODY TO HEAL ME.

THE VALUE OF YOUR TEARS.....

Is known only by you; because they are yours.
Instead, nobody knows or nobody can even estimate your sorrow or the deep agony of your heart, that weeps and screams for help.
Nobody can hear, see or feel the difficulty you have, in taking  breath because only you know how difficult it is to swallow all the pain that you've gone through.
The value of your tears , is known only by you!
The stench of the bitter experience follows you like your own odor.
Forgetting that day, the hour of that moment becomes your agenda and that itself keeps reminding you all that has effected you.
The value of your tears is known only by you, because they are yours.
It cannot be weighed , it cannot be measured.
No estimation is near, no accusation is right.
Because for you, tears aren't a waste.
They are in fact the cost of your heartbreak.

It, very randomly becomes easy to be frustrated because nobody knows what your tears actually mean to you.

Its not a mere letting of your emotions but holding back, you hope that somebody would wipe your tears off.... its your belief that at least someone knows the value of your tears.

My fault... or not?

In my 70 years of life, I have passed through almost every phase including the ones, one doesn't hope, expect or enjoy being a part of.

As I run my hand through my hair, as I rub my eyes, getting off my bed. I look at my image reflecting from the mirror across the room.And 'not' to my surprise, I see stretched and wrinkled skin, dull eyes and salt & peppery hair. A bent back... and a lost identity, expression and every emotion that had made my life what it was for so long.I see my misery and plight flash through my eyes, while I question myself,as to what do I own, other than my dead husband who left me to struggle alone in my early 30's, a son who disowned me, a daughter who shrugged me off her shoulders and grandchildren who merely care to recognise the grandma.

I, rather am dubious about my abilities from the past. Had I saved something for my own old age, I would neither have to wash my own clothes with one leg already in the grave and nor would I have to wear a smile at the old age home, just to pretend like my life is,and what I chose it to be. I wouldn't have to weep in loneliness and lie about it being a joint ache.

What is my fault? 

I don't even see myself in a position to question my kids about where had I gone wrong when did I stumble? Was my baggage too much for my children to handle it?

Or was my only fault, that I mothered my dead husband's children of an extra marital affair with my own milk. The endless, sleepless nights in worry for them, with the warmth of my body, and unconditional love...that they seem to have  forgotten..

based on  fiction

stranded and saved

Dry leaves fall of the tree,

"come look at us" they call me.

I walked toward them, gazing in awe,

believing that everything is beautiful, by the Almighty's law.

As the leave comes dancing in air across my face,

the death of the innocent shines in grace.

It sways and moves..like its free from bondage,

it reaches the floor like it was out of its cage!

I personified the leaf to be alive..

and believed that it had overcome all its life's strife.

The leaf had succumbed to heat, rain and the storm,

so I embraced it giving it love so warm!

I strode across the street with so much pride,

because I hope, when I am stranded... I do get a ride!

there so many... here just one.

In this huge silly world of more than a 100 billion people, somewhere, in the 7th largest country INDIA, in its 3rd largest state, MAHARASHTRA, lies the worlds most expensive cosmopolitan.. MUMBAI.. where I reside. A tiny individual, who is practically a nobody, without an identity, trying to push myself ahead in the race. The race of wanting to be somebody.

  I drag my weight and push it around the people I love. Just to assure myself that"yes! there are people who don't mind standing behind me, to lead me and hold me when I trip." Or rather somebody who wants to be there for me.. my friend, my family"

But, I've lately concluded that as there is an end to every story, not specifically a happy one, there is a certain end for this story too... which has rendered me with a vanishing of 'WE' and emerging of 'ME'. The death of 'US' and the rebirth of the immortal 'I'

LIFE, IS LIKE THAT!

 Wanting people to quit expecting from you, is in itself an expectation. I stand there with a bunch of my mates, questioning myself.. Will I be able to stand by you in your desperate times of need? and immediately, a part of me pounced and said..YES!! but somewhere... deep inside, I knew.. before I stood up for someone else.. I would be in a situation to be there only for myself!

I asked myself once more... whether the days of joy are truly shorter than the days of sorrow.. And I answered my query... "JOY"  must be redefined. Was joy, a day spent as a spend thrift or a day, saving each penny more to splurge it some time else.

Does happiness lie in enjoying the a/c in the back seat of your car, or taking up the bus today for a nice rickshaw ride tomorrow.

Is fun associated with having a day out with some people and wearing unwanted smiles.. or spending a day in, with yourself, laughing your breath out at  randomly stupid things!

Does life exist in the virtue of counting the number of happy days.. or living each of those moments without a second thought flowing across your mind?

May be I were never meant to be accompanied through the ups and downs of my life..

May be I should have waited for someone to come rescue me.

Or may be just held on for a little longer..hoped for some more.. wished for a teaspoon plus of support and then when none of these come my way.. just shed it all in tears... or simply.. walk the crowd ALONE!!

Dedicated to my dear darling sister.. PARINEETA S. POONJA

the love she found for herself

A brown t-shirt by lee, paired With the hottest pair of cargo pants, at an accurate 60 degrees angle north eastward within a radius of a meter from her, there he was..... glaring at her. For every time she caught a glimpse of his eyes...she wondered whether it was the worst hair day with coconut oil on it...the over sized t shirt with the hand cut shorts, or was it the droopy looking eyes that looked like those of a frog..and then she thought if any of these speculations were worth that stare that persisted for so long. May be, there could be a second possibility where "he would've noticed the beauty in me" she thought to herself, and doubted herself again... Thinking whether anything really existed in her! She questioned her understated beauty. Trying to sneak a glance of the miserable avatar she closed her eyes and made up her mind that she was no beautiful and claimed the man to be staring at her misery.She glanced back to see one last time whether he still looked at her, and she saw that the passion prevailed, it existed like he wanted her in his arms since ages and was trying to be satisfied just from a distance. This time her questioning about her facial and physical beauty was affirmative. She found herself asking her mind and soul, whether her eyes express far more than illness.  Her smile bloomed, lightening up her face. Her hair having more just than mere coconut oil on it. When she realized the wandering of her thoughts was fruit full, Mr. "I look cool in cargo's" said "you wouldn't find it in your face, its all in your soul." wonder struck, she stood there with her mouth open. He turned smiled, and winked at her waving good bye. He was the first man who had ever made her feel beautiful, who had made her feel loved and wanted. She never tried to search for him again, because the first meet was mesmerizing enough to last for an eternity. Yet she believed they were meant to be and will be brought back by DESTINY!

The Street Kid

Not one day passes by, when I don't see a child on the street, with the fair skin concealed with mud and dirt, that blocks his bright future from even entering his thoughts, an empty bowl with a peculiar odor that belongs to the streets of the "slum-dog" .
He walks by every person he meets... deciding whether his fate has brought him a man with a big buck or a thug with an empty pocket....
One rupee isn't the value of a beggar today! When your pocket sheds a 10... that's' when your standards are marked by a mere..'street kid'
  Intimidating.. isn't it?? being judged by the amount of charity  you offer, not for being counted in those tiny blessings... but to keep away from the little one's curses, that may , you think will harm your well being!
The touch.. so  nasty, so cunning and shrewd  that keeps instigating you to rather walk away with a stink eye, or a slap that would be satisfactory! Imagined already, ready with a hand sanitiser to keep yourself safe...
        Its often observed that the most learned ones turn out to be the foolish mob!!!! Doesn't anyone care about the streets being empty, without anyone sleeping and creating a family? Doesn't anyone know the cost of growth, that, every person must be provided with....
Progress for the street bearers is only producing one more burden on the earth.. Not  to turn every milestone in one's life...not to be successful one day and get out of the cruel grind.... but to sing a prayer or two more, and earn a little more sympathy than usual, or a dolar or two by a foreigner who is pleased to see the plight of losing nothing in the eyes of the actual citizens..the beggars!!
      "This is not my work, why should i do it?"
A question I am tired of hearing...the typical  people I am tired of meeting. Who know to crib about the crowd and the filth, but hate to clean their house with their own hands!!!!!
 DON'T EXPECT OR WANT WHEN YOU CANNOT GIVE!!
I hate the fact that there exists a street kid....yet I am sure of visualizing a day when the latter smiles across all your faces with a grin that pities you!!

rejoicing nature

terrace view of nature

         As the sun sets, a very different, rather , a very fey breeze blows into my face. Breathing in all the its newness, I delightfully accept the prowess of the nature that barges into me. A very serene side of the burning day light becomes a visual treat, reminding me of the most important reason to survive... TO LOVE MY LIFE AND THIS ENTIRE WORLD , FOR GIVING ME ALL THAT IT HAS!

         I go peering into the vanishing sun and drown  down in its mesmerizing beauty, that I certainly don't remember much about why it is, and how it is. The captivating scenery in the city with sky scrapers, an addition to the accessories of the sketch, instigating me, to stand on the top-most point I can, spread my arms willing to hug the world and feel all the wind passing through me!

         I get so involved with it,that I lose control over my body and soul...surrender to the soft, unspoken.. unheard music and get carried away with the wind.

sunset

         It takes me to a new world, where the sensuality of the clouds, leaves me rejuvenated, with the loveliest smile on my face! Inarticulately gets registered in my mind as the call of the universe, to love it... to take care of the nature!!

WHO SAID I DON'T???

Though I look so strong, inside & out,
if I want to cry, why is there a doubt?

I told you, I'll stand beside you, being your shade,
you know I'll be there, does that mean I don't need aid?

I have a heart too,
that weeps in a while,
my frustrations are congested,
stuffed in a pile.

I ran in search,
for your hand, your shoulder,
I screamed your name.
and my pain made it louder.
I saw you there, starring at me,
with an expression that said
"I have nothing to say"
I ran toward you,
and you vanished away
yet I waited for you,
all throughout the day.

I hoped you would come,
at least in disguise,
rescue to take me home
& I realized I want wise!

It ain't your fault, you never understood me,
I shall be blamed, for my conscience can't let it be.

I thought you would guess,
I wanted you so much, so bad,
and see my situation, that hindrances had had.

I couldn't hurt you, by saying that you hurt me.
I couldn't make you cry, by saying that you've made me cry.
even then, I cant hate you,
I don't know why, but I don't want to love you.
and now that is not a lie.

I want you to go away from me,
so that you can live yours and I can live my life,
for once I want to say it,
I don't want to be your wife.

I wanted to lay my head on your shoulder,
but failed to find it.
I wanted to pour my heart out to you,
but I couldn't see you.
I wanted you to be the reason for my smile,
and yet another time, I failed...just to smile.
I wanted our life to be an example to all
but there was no our, just you and me.
and ever since I stood up, you made sure that I fall!
 

a thought for the day!

sunrise

         Not as always, today was a bright cool morning, the sun threw its rays on my face, making me realize that 'its time to wake up' and discover the day coming my way, waiting for me to unveil it!!!

        I walked pass the passage at home and just felt a chill of the floor, growing into my feet that suddenly made me giggle. I wondered why, why a giggle?? and at that instant I knew, the first feeling I had this morning would only bring me a sweet memory, a memory of a smile!

       That one smile on my face, never needed to be replaced! It made me feel full of zeal and enthusiasm for the day to be unleashed. Like a beautiful adventure unfolding itself for my joy. I walked toward the next thing I had to do.. and I did not seem to have an idea about it. I didn't know, what was next in the marvelous journey I thought was waiting for me!

       I then decided to rest on my father's rocking chair, with my legs folded up, gathered with my arms, wrapped in a blanket I felt like heaven touched my feet! Sitting cozily on the chair, smiling all the way, dreaming about, what was it, that made me feel a rush through my veins and butterflies in my stomach, exciting me about nothing that special... in fact, nothing special at all...

         Call those goosebumps, excitement or simply madness, I've lately discovered in me. There is something, really beautiful  coming up for me..ON MY WAY TO LIFE!!!a

There sure ain't anything that makes me feel special, than the  thought of 'a thought' of a life so special!!!

CHEERS!!!