Am I gay?

     It was on his 17th birthday, on the 19th June 1973. A lavish birthday party, Las Vegas was the theme. All the guests were in the best of their appearances. Sujoy, however was in a dilemma. He, for the first time in his life was in a jittery position. why? How? When? Is it normal? What should I do next? How can i confirm it? These were the questions he asked himself, when he felt the gush of his hormones when a pal of his hugged him.

     He was almost in disgust with himself. He ran toward the washroom. Locked it from within. Looked into the mirror and slapped himself. As though he wasn't allowed to be who he really was. As if what he felt was wrong. His disbelief left him in tears, hidden from the world, his social group who were celebrating for him. He cried his heart out in his loneliness. This time it was not about society or family, it was about self acceptance. 38 years back, when the concept of homosexuality either resulted into alienation or just sentenced as 'empowerment of the body by an evil spirit' meanwhile, Sujoy preferred to be silent.

     Sujoy didn't know what to do, and whom to consult and perhaps did what anybody would have. He is a divorcee today. As soon as the 377 act was passed by the jurisdiction, he knew that he didn't have the right to ruin another life. 

No sooner than he fled to Madrid, hoping that he would never, have to turn around and come back; did he meet the other part of his soul, Stefano. At the age of 35, Sujoy was finally happy, he was content with what he had.

Stefano encouraged Sujoy to come back to his nation and help the youth of his country.

not everyone is strong enough to take a stand and Sujoy was one of them.
However, the reality is, 47% of the Indian youth doubts their sexual orientation. Its not about what people think of you, its about what you think of yourself. Help yourself to walk out of such a situation, with your head held high, plus a solution would do just fine!

     This one is for those you either don't understand homosexuality or are simply adamant, not to accept. You are accepted as an individual, its time you learn to ACCEPT!. Its time to spread your arms and embrace people who fight and argue with themselves. Seek the courage to understand their agony. Pull them out of their rage and insecurities about survival. Help them believe in what they are.

     According to several studies, 60% of gays in India don't agree to conduct any surveys. They are rather embarrassed about themselves. From the remaining 40%,  98 out of 100 would rather marry a person of the opposite sex, than accept who they are. ONLY 2% of the Indian population who are gay, have shook hands with the desires of their soul and body. Lets lessen the difference, get our pals together. Be proud of your friends and family who confess to you! Love them and express to them, how much they are wanted!

Morning Raga.

     Dipping in the sea earlier these days, the sun has let the moon take over the great moods of the audience. Hypnotising us in the midst of the dark sky,the moon becomes the reason to a million smiles and moments spent in awe.

     Just walking by the lane, the wind hit me, like it was an indication, of a new start!
It felt like, its time to take a step aside form the daily track of my fast life, and let the breeze seep into me. Like its time, to put the cottons in the back of my closet and dust the woollens.
Like the chilled glass of lemon-aide and ice-candy should be given a miss and the coffee mug should be rinsed & kept ready to be poured in with the hot and steamy beverage.
Like, the sweaty neck and the tied up hair are meant to be left behind and the flowing hair around my shoulders ought to be noticed!
Time for the tube of lip balm in my pocket!
Time to rub your palms and tuck your arms!
A/Cs are to be abandoned, fritters and fries, #1 on the menu!
WINTER CANT GET ANY BETTER!!
waiting for you, Mr. Wind..... come knock me down!

Lost and Found

     Adding to all the analogies, today is a special one. To all those who lose something, find it, Cherish the moment, as well as for those who never get the opportunity to!
     Lost and Found reminds me of  school days. When I'd cross my fingers and walk past the corridor toward the lost property room,a dark dingy place with a peculiar odor, in hopes to find my lost pouch, I'd look for it in all the possible places. Sometimes, in a very rare corner would I find something similar to my pouch, and further hope that all the material in it is intact. Very rarely would i find all my pens and pencils in it! Many a times, a few pens would be missing and sometimes, I would find an extra scale in it and that moment of finding a brand new scale would also bring a smile on to my face!
     Today, when I am actually writing this, I consider the people in my life, like my pouch.[you could chuckle over it, or actually think]
     Yes, be them friends or family, a lost and found incident always comes along all of us!
The lost property room actually resembles my life. Covered with dust.. with people who don't belong to me and when I look carefully, in the furthest corners, I find those whom I can pick up the right and claim to be mine!
     Often, those pens and pencils in my pouch are the qualities Ive known my friends with. Seldom, when i meet them after long,[long lost friends that we call them] I think back and try recollecting whether those pens are familiar to me or not.. sometimes the new pens need to be smoothed, I need to get accustomed to them. While the new scale in the pouch comes as a complete surprise, so do certain beautiful aspects to them bring a new dimension to the relationship!
      Sometimes those close people lie in the most obvious places, yet I don't look, why? because its just too obvious to look in those places.. or I'd rather not look for some people. Like in school, I'd not look for my old pouch. I'd love it so much, that even after it had torn, i had stitched it up, but lately, i would end up losing a pen or two everyday.Its high time I'd got a new pouch. It was just not worth the struggle to hold on to it, just like we don't hold on to certain relationships after we know, we have an intuition that they are not meant to live for any longer.
Its like, some pens, come along for the "3 hours" examinations, while some pencils have to be sharpened rigorously. Well now, Its time to give up your pencil and get yourself a new pen pencil... all you need to do is, add the lead , like the virtue of your personality. All that matters is the lead and not the plastic cover.. just like all that matters is, your soul! THE REAL YOU!
    

A submarine of questions

      I often judge my way of writing as analogical and comparative, on a different level.

      What's fey today? QUESTIONS! When I face just too much at one time, in one go, its be like I am trapped in a.. submarine! Locked up, alone.

 With it being the only possible place I could breathe peacefully, I end up getting perfectly claustrophobic! I want to leave this mechanical submarine as I see the beautiful fauna underwater, through the window. But I then realise, what a disaster it would be, to see the entire flora in just one breath.. and then either drown down exasperated... or float back to the surface.. the reality!

    I often feel like just runing away from all the questions I come across. As I see that nobody, absolutely nobody around me feels the same way, their lives seem to be so much better. Just like, my submarine is, in the cruel-most ways bliss to me, and the saline water is to the fish outside, if I step into the shoes of anybody else, life would rather be like me in the water out there, and the fish...you know where!

      May be all I need to do is, learn to sail my sub, my life and bring it up, onto the shore, because, after all, the land is where I belong to!

Dear Love,

     I have so much to thank you for!
You are not a mere feeling, emotion, or gesture. You are an expression, of attachment, excitement, pleasure and peace!
You bring a smile onto every body's face. You are one thing (if you wouldn't mind me calling you a thing, ) that I gather more, only on sharing you the most! You give people the assurance of security, the realisation that they are wanted, by the people they "love"!
We know how much we owe you. It can cost a life time to feel you, be in the place where you are, and have always been at!
Though sometimes,  we all in some stage of life or other, do come across the feeling of not having you.. Like you are there, from me, to others, but not the other way round, and that makes me question you. Why are you biased?
Why do you let some people have you to the fullest, till they abuse you existence, and, why do you create anxiousness in the lot, in aspiration of feeling you by the wind blowing across your face? Why do they rather lose hope of ever facing a windy evening?
I know, you are well aware that my next question ought to be,"why do some people get it the easy way, while some have to stumble onto the rocky path?" Yet in none of my pleading former letters to you, have you replied to my query. WHY?
It almost feels like I am in the middle of a canyon and nobody can hear me yell for help, and right when I see a chopper pass by, I LOSE MY VOICE!!!
Oh love, your filled with irony and underlined meaning. I wonder whether there is still murk under your crystal clear appearance of running water!!
Oh love, you always make me stand back when I think I may quit!!
Oh love, You make me question, whether I have shared you enough to get some of you for myself, or have I given you away so much, that now, you seem incomplete to my soul? 
                                                                           Yours,                  
                                                                       Sneha Shetty.